When we, as adults, lose someone we love, we are often at a loss for words on how to describe how we feel or how to express our grief. When children experience loss, not only do they struggle with the same things, often at such a young age, but they do not yet have the tool set or experience to express themselves or their regular emotions; grief often becomes even more challenging to attempt to navigate at that age.
For children, just like adults, grief can touch every aspect of their life, from their relationships with friends and family to their thoughts about the future. It is perfectly normal for children of all ages to struggle with these intense emotions when a loved one passes, but they may express their feelings in different ways than we would as adults.
Some children experience body aches and pains, struggles with separation anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and trouble being able to concentrate in school.
We can't—and should not—stop children from feeling grief. Unlike adults, many children often do not have resources to work through these feelings, but there are coping strategies that can help your child or children process them in healthy ways.
Reading Children's Books about Grief and Loss
Reading a story together may already be part of your children's routine. Children's books covering loss and grief can help your child feel less alone in their emotions by showing characters that have experienced something similar. Depending on the book, it may also explain to them in a way they understand how to understand these complex emotions they are feeling. Books can also help define the permanence of death or even help your child connect with memories of their deceased loved one.
As an adult, you may be unsure where to begin when choosing helpful books. To choose helpful books, look for:
- Books that explain the basic facts about death and represent your culture and religious views about what happens to someone after death.
- Books that describe the main character feeling multiple emotions simultaneously. Grieving children often feel guilty when and if something makes them feel happy during a time when they are also sad. Books like these help children understand that feeling many things at once is possible and normal.
If your child does not yet read entirely on their own or prefers to be read to, and you are unsure how to read these books, here are a few tips that might help.
- While reading together, take a moment and point out any facial expressions or body language that gives clues as to how the main character may be feeling. Give your child time to observe, discuss, and read the text they can, if possible.
- Ask your child how the characters' feelings may affect their behaviors or actions. Ask them to reflect on how the character's feelings may have influenced the character's behaviors or choices.
- Your child or children may not respond to these questions or even to the book in the way you may have imagined. Allow that to be okay for you and them. They still listen, observe, and learn as the book is read.
Books about grief that provide age-appropriate information tend to be less overwhelming. Occasionally, children may worry about what happened to their loved one—are they hungry? Are they in pain? Are they scared? When our children are better informed, they are less likely to struggle with worries like these.
Teach Them Coping Skills
Even grieving people need a break from grief. While it is essential to work through the feelings, it is also vital to ensure our children aren't constantly feeling overwhelmed by them all the time. Our children do not have the capacity that we do as adults to handle a lot of emotional pain all at once.
When a loved one dies, you may notice your child no longer playing as they used to, retreating from hobbies, extracurriculars, or social events. Over time, this can lead to feelings of depression, which makes all of what they are dealing with even harder.
Support your children in taking breaks with their grief. Set aside time each week for social, fun, or creative activities. Playdates with friends, a family board game night, gardening, or visiting a new place can all help your child stay connected even when it feels hard for them to do.
- Help them let out their anger. It can feel deeply unfair to see other children or people enjoying time with loved ones when they may feel that their time with a loved one was cut short. Your child may find themselves angry at parents, doctors, and teachers or lash out seemingly randomly. Provide a safe way for your child to vent their anger that doesn't hurt people or damage objects. Let them hit a pillow, draw a picture, tear it up, stomp on old boxes, pop bubble wrap, etc.
- Let them examine their worries. A loved one's death can change the way your child sees the entire world. Suddenly, things no longer feel as safe as they were, and their life is no longer as predictable as before. This can lead your child to worry about the health and safety of their friends and loved ones and about their own risk of dying. Help your child with their worries by paying attention to their thoughts and not taking them at face value. Many children worry about things that may not be based on facts. Remind them of their strengths and problem-solving abilities and that they have a supportive network that can help in an emergency.
- Write a letter. Often, there's so much unsaid when a loved one passes, especially abruptly. A child may wish to speak to their loved one last time, apologize for an argument, share an update, or tell their loved one they miss and love them. Let them write a letter, as bereaved children need the chance to tell their story to others and to be heard.
We hope these ideas will help you and your child cope with grief together. Working through grief is a long, complicated process, and no one step fits all; if your child needs more support, do not hesitate to reach out to various resources available online.