It isn’t a subject that many of us find choosing to talk about often—in some cases, it is considered taboo to even mention death, let alone discuss it. But, when we avoid talking about and discussing death, we do a great disservice to ourselves and family. Avoiding the topic of death leaves all of us vulnerable and unprepared.
But how do you break the taboo surrounding the discussion of death so that you can plan for end-of-life?
We’ve put together what we feel is excellent advice to help you prepare for those difficult conversations so that you can support or get support from the people close to you.
Why Is It Still Considered Taboo?
It is easy to think that the Victorian age was obsessed with death mistakenly. With an era that saw the rise of suburban cemeteries and massive interest in funerals, mourning dresses, and mementoes of death, it wasn’t an obsession but part of their everyday life and accepted. People’s average life spans then were roughly half of what ours is today, so the subject of death encountering death was not unusual in Victorian times.
Thanks to continuing scientific medical advances, men and women can expect to live up to 80 to 86 years on average, while in the Victorian era, in some cases, 40 to 47 years of age was the median age for death.
Innovations in the medical field have influenced many of us to think of death as something that will happen so far in the distant future that there’s no need to worry or contemplate it; additionally, many of us have never been exposed to seeing death, or a dead body, thanks to older relatives and family that may pass away in hospitals and nursing homes.
Another factor that may have helped death become a taboo topic is how many doctors, in real life and the media, portray death as a failure when all their efforts seem to be focused on prolonging life.
Why Do We Need To Talk About Death?
It’s not an easy subject or conversation to have with people we love, as it brings up uncomfortable emotions and thoughts that many of us may try to shy away from. Yet all of us will experience the death of a loved one at some point in our lives, and talking openly can benefit so many aspects of our lives.
- Often, the subject of death and the questions surrounding it during the final days of someone’s life, in turn, can lead to families and friends left reeling with no idea of what to do after a loved one passes.
- Speaking about death diminishes many of the terrors we hold about the subject and can lead to focusing on ensuring you improve the quality of life for yourself or a loved one should they unexpectedly find themselves becoming a dying patient.
- Accepting death may help all of us live more fully. Understanding how short life is, that it can be taken away at any stage, can often remind us that we should focus on what is essential: enjoying the time given, saying what needs to be said, and planning what needs to be planned while you and your loved ones are still here.
What Happens If You Don’t Discuss Death or Have Any End-Of-Life Plans?
In short, if you never discuss death or keep putting off making a will until it is too late—when you pass intestate (without a will), your estate and how it is divided is left up to the state you live in. How the state divides your assets also differs from state to state.
A few things that may happen:
- Your state determines succession laws and where your money goes, requiring family and friends to go to the probate court. The probate court will appoint someone as a personal representative to oversee the distribution of your belongings. You have no control or choice as to who will get what.
- If you have one, your spouse will likely get priority for any assets, followed by children, grandchildren, parents, and siblings. Often, your spouse will also be in control of your estate.
- Your child’s rights are put into the hands of the court. State judges often do their best to ensure children’s guardianship is in their best interests, but the court or a judge does not understand or know your family’s dynamics. This makes it nearly impossible for them to determine what and who is best to raise the children of a deceased relative or even know if a family member is estranged. This may result in an estranged family member inheriting a child and any trust funds set up for them. Without a will, there is no way to guarantee a child (or children) will end up in a safe household.
- Without a will, assets for your children are often given over all at once, instead of waiting until they are 18 or a specific time, or perhaps placing the money aside for tuition or a future necessary purchase such as a first home.
- Without a will, you could forfeit your spouse’s marital deduction that, with a will, would allow them to inherit your entire estate tax-free.
Most of us, as friends, spouses, and family members, desperately want to ensure we get the wishes of our loved ones right when they pass. But if you do not discuss it and do nothing to plan for your end of life, you may leave a huge emotional and financial burden upon the shoulders of those left behind.
We prepare our taxes for the arrival of a baby, in case of natural disasters, and for many other things in our lives—why should we not prepare for the end, too? Having this conversation allows financial matters to be settled wishes known and followed, from life support machines to burial to estate planning. Talking to loved ones about our worries, fears, and desires can help everyone have the tools, knowledge, and ability to ask the right questions of health care and end-of-life professionals if need be.